26 December, 2004-12:02 a.m.
12.25.2004
Goddamn, this period is making me feel like an outhouse exploded in my crotch!
So gross...
In any case, I've been taking Vicodins for the past couple of days to take the edge off the cramps. I'm justifying it to myself that it is because they are about to expire and I may as well use them up anyways, but in reality, I just like abusing them. I'm only taking half of one every few hours, so I'm not fucked up beyond movement, but I am wrapped in a fleecey ball of niceness that is keeping me from getting too stressed while being at home.
I'm homesick for my apartment though. I dislike being separated from it for so long. I miss all my art supplies, although I plan on going to A.I. Friedman's and picking up a large sketchbook and some good pens or pencils to go drawing in the mall with. The plan is to wake up early tomorrow/today and go to the mall to buy some things, then perhaps wander around drawing indoor architectures.
My brother is trying to thwart my plans by needing the car himself. I'd really prefer to visit White Plains for some quick shoppings, then move over to Stamford and draw the interiors of the Stamford Mall, which has the most amazing architecture within. There's a lot of free-floating escalators. I'd much rather get in all my drawings and shoppings in the same day, as I'd really like to go home Tuesday at the earliest.
Pat wants to stop by sometime, so Monday would really be the only feasible day. I want to let him stop by, because I promised to spend time with him alone out in one of our suburbs, but at the same time, I am apprehensive of such. Considering our history, I don't think he's taking my relationship with Tim very seriously, which bothers me. I want to be good to Tim. I want to be loyal to him and be the girl that he deserves. And I believe I can be. It's just very hard if someone else doesn't accept it's reality, especially when I care about them. I don't want to force Pat away, but if he doesn't start getting it soon, I may have to hit back a little harder. And that will suck, but I value Tim over Pat. Not even because Tim is more available, which I sometimes worry about, but as I talk about him more and more I find myself really enjoying Tim as a person and as my current companion. I want him to be my constant companion. I want to keep him around for a very long time.
The only thing that's really hurting that possibility is the way we deal with our insecurities and insanities.
I feel like Tim is constantly testing my loyalty, or constantly questioning it at the very least. And we get into these deadlocked arguements which really are only resolved when I step up and say that I want him around. It's just so hard to say that when he's not really saying that he's there for me. I always feel like he sees me as an immature kid who needs to grow up and out of a lot of the dramas I make for myself. Which is partially true, I'll admit that.
But there are things inside my head that I can't just stuff deep down and away and pretend don't exist all the time. They surface sometimes with little to no provocation, and when he gets to used to me swallowing my pain, to see them manifested throws him off a lot. But I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want it to be a thing that's constantly around, because that will suck. I'm not the sort who keeps her insanity out in the open for everyone to just deal with. It's my pain. But at the same time, since he is my companion, it is part of his responsibility to help me through it. The worst part is that he seems to feel that I should be able to constantly talk through it all and I just can't all the time. Sometimes it just hurts too much that I cannot handle thinking about it at the time. Then all I need to do is be held until the storm passes and I can rest and face it, refreshed and strong again in the morning. I just don't know how to make him understand this.
And if he cannot be there for me emotionally, then I cannot keep him around, is the reality of the situation. I can't handle him aggrevating my mental breakdowns rather than helping or even just being a completely neutral particle in it all.
But I will not see him for quite a few days, and all I have to do right now is contemplate taking more vicodin to make me fall asleep or continue to be up in this terrible coldness that is my parents' house.